I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
