shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
