Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
