mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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