Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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