Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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