I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
