He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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