I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
