based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
