...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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