Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
