i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
