U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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