P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
