I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
