I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
