just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
