Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
