Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This house was built for laser tag.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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