She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
