hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
