I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
