I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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