Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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