I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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