his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
