come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
