$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
