ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
