So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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