I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
