the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
