Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
