I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
