ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
