just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
