Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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