...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
