So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
