Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
