Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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