i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
