just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
