Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
