my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
