lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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