If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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