Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
love makes seman taste better
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
