I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
